By Amanda Cerny | YEET MAGAZINE  Published 0400 GMT (1200 HKT) June 13, 2021

A manipulator insidiously leads one or more people to the behavior he wants. It can lead to violence, depression or suicide and like a vampire, it feeds on the other. He directs others as he pleases.

Usually well integrated into society, he seems to wear the mask of a seducer or a person of "power". His motivation is essentially based on a narcissistic need and / or that of enhancing his image, he wishes to shine through the eyes of others. He only serves his own best interests, whether he is a spouse, manager, friend, coworker, sales professional, or relative. How to thwart its traps? First of all, it is essential to know how to recognize it then, to return its jacket.

Related : How to outsmart a Manipulator Using The Quilt Technique

Who is he ? How does he do it? What are the different types of manipulators? We will answer these questions and you will be armed to face these "demons" (female or male). I - Who are they? A - Their psychology According to psychoanalysts, the manipulators have an extremely early deep flaw in their identity. It corresponds to the mirror stage of Jean Piaget (6 months - 18 months): phenomenon consisting in the recognition by the child of his image in the mirror, an awareness of one's bodily unity.

Manipulative behavior also results from narcissistic seduction by one or both parents. The seductive parent venerates the child by never saying no to him, by refusing him nothing and by making him believe that he possesses all power. Overprotected, pampered, spoiled, he does not learn to resist his desires and frustrations.

“The child king” does not differentiate himself from the parent who steals his identity as a child. He is forced to build a game of (fictitious) personalities for himself, to give himself the illusion of existing and to conform to the desired image of his parents. The pathology of the child is induced by the demands of his family and school environment.

Certain emotional deficiencies can also prevent him, in adulthood, from loving others. These wounds will push him to constantly satisfy an enormous desire for recognition or revenge. He then needs to be loved, recognized, overestimated, overestimated compared to who he really is.

These perverts are often endowed with an intelligence above the average, even formidable, Machiavellian, already allowing them to develop traps or very subtle strategies. Early on, they can already abuse their parents and friends. The child, smarter, more psychologist than his parents imagine, literally phagocyte the mother or the father (a mother or an accomplice father or else who does not suspect anything), in a literally fusional relationship which prevents the parents from '' have sufficient hindsight. B - Their characteristic according to the DSM IV - The narcissistic pervert This one is the most dangerous.

He has a strong potential for seduction, instructs others, locks them in immense disarray and rejoices in his power, reveling in his grandiose vision of himself. He knows neither compassion nor love for his neighbor whom he sees as an object to be destroyed in order to exercise his power and enlarge his personal image.

For him, any social relationship is a balance of power, a challenge or a threat. The other becomes an object to be crushed, humiliated and dominated. Under his mask of "good psychologist", under its superficial charm and great sociability, hides an instrument of torture, conceived of coldness, egocentrism, parasitism, mythomania, betrayal and emotional blackmail among others.

He analyzes everything he hears and aims to destroy his victim to extract his substance. His intention is destructive, he sets up a subjugation of the other by depriving him of his psychic autonomy, of his capacity for personal judgment, of the power to say no. He dispossesses his victim of his property, of his personal social and moral value. He attacks self-esteem and leads the other to have a belittled image of himself.

He humiliates him by keeping him in the feeling that he is his savior. “No one will want you! Frankly look at yourself, you're ugly, you're fat, you don't look like anything! Fortunately, I'm here, otherwise you'd be alone, abandoned like a hideous and dirty bitch sleeping under bridges with the tramps ”. This predator acts out of sight. Abuse is rarely organized under the spotlight, but rather perpetrated in the secrecy of alcoves.

True professional of the double life and the double personality. The trouble, induced in his victim, is the consequence of the permanent confusion between the truth and the lie that he likes to alternate. When he lies, he seems convinced, which automatically convinces the other.

When "hunting" for his next victim, he never says no and even seems very helpful. He changes his mask as needed, sometimes a seducer adorned with all the qualities, sometimes a victim, weak and innocent, to coax his prey. He has a scrupulous concern for appearances, most often giving an image that enhances his ego. Image of a perfect person who hides his lack of emotion, love, sincerity and interest in everything that is not him.

He is not interested in reality, for him everything is a game of appearances and manipulation of the other. He excels at arousing, amplifying and alternating regrets and fears in the other. "So these people look for those who make their image shine, push back those who criticize them and interpret reality in a way that is favorable to them". 1 Truth or lie, it does not matter to the perverts: what is true is what they say at the moment.

These falsifications of the truth are sometimes very close to a delusional construction. Any message that does not is not formulated explicitly, even if it is transparent, should not be taken into account by the interlocutor. Since there is no objective trace, it does not exist. Lying is simply a need to ignore what goes against your narcissistic interests. This is how we see in the manipulators the fact that they surround their story with a great mystery which induces a belief in the other without anything having been said.

They envy the success of others, who confront them with their own feeling of failure, which is constantly repressed. For them, nothing ever works. They impose on others their pejorative or negative view of the world and their chronic dissatisfaction with life. They often seek to show that the world is bad, that the others are bad. No one really has any grace in their eyes. Some people calculate their blows or their revenge very far in advance, sometimes over several years. This is the reason why they can be formidable and unpredictable.

The type of malicious manipulator experiences perverse pleasure in the vision of the suffering of the other. He feels an extreme, vital satisfaction in seeing the other suffer, in keeping him in doubt, in enslave and humiliate him. Being incapable of a true relationship, he can only establish one in a register of destructive malignancy. He likes to objectify the other, and to ensure that his victim can never leave his net, if only to prevent him from testifying against him.

Voyeur, accomplice, cruel, perverse and liar, fascinated by evil , he dwells in the secrets of all the beings that surround him. A film relates these narcissistic perverts very well: “Dangerous Liaisons” by Stephen Frears. The two protagonists, the Vicomte de Valmont (John Malkovitch) and the Marquise de Merteuil (Glenn Close), are driven by vanity, the desire to control others and the pleasure of seeing them suffer. In summary, here are some ways to recognize these predators, inspired by the work of specialists such as Jean-Charles Bouchoux, psychoanalyst and Isabelle Nazare-Aga, behavioral therapist:

Vampirizes the energy of the other: the expression "to be eaten" takes on its full meaning. - Lack of empathy, shows emotional coldness. - Suffers from chronic dissatisfaction, there is always a good reason why it is not. - Use of insidious denigration, under cover of humor at the beginning, then more and more directly. - Indifferent to the wishes of the other. - Part of a strategy of isolating its prey.

- Demonstrates frenzied self-centeredness. - Makes you feel guilty. - Incapable of questioning or asking for forgiveness (except by strategy). - Is part of a denial of reality. - Play a double game: the narcissistic pervert is charming, seductive, brilliant - even altruistic - for the window; tyrannical, dark and destructive in private. - Obsessed with social image.

Dreadfully handles rhetoric: the dialogue to overcome the conflict turns empty. - Alternate hot and cold, master the art of knowing how far to go too far. - Psychorigid. - Suffers from deep anxiety, cannot support the well-being of his partner. - Compulsive need to spoil all joy around him. - Reverse the roles and pretend to be the victim. - Use of paradoxical and contradictory injunctions: the target loses his bearings, his mind becomes confused, even when he is very brilliant.

The role of auxiliary of the “Me”: if it loses this other, it goes into depression ”2. He can use all kinds of stratagems to keep the other in his nets. Frontier between "neurotic organization" and "psychotic organization", the borderline is based on the anxiety of loss of object and results in a constant internal insecurity and attitudes of constant testing of the entourage. . According to the DSM-IV, borderline personality disorder is mainly characterized by: - ​​fear of rejection and abandonment; - instability of mood; - difficulty in controlling impulses, actions, acts or impulsive reactions which are often harmful; - unstable interpersonal relationships; - difficulty with privacy; - dissociation and significant mistrust in the presence of stress. - The paranoid He is a megalomaniac who manipulates by his false interpretations and his accusations.

A perverse and narcissistic personality can sometimes be superimposed on a paranoid component. By dint of fooling people, he has to be more and more secret and to be more and more on his guard. He confides less and less. At a key point, it can show a sickly hyper-susceptibility. He lives in constant suspicion and extreme caution, which he deeply conceals.

His paranoia then appears to increase his intelligence tenfold, providing him with an extraordinary boost of combative energy. According to the DSM-IV, paranoia is primarily characterized by: - The subject expects, without sufficient reason, that others will use him, harm him or deceive him. - He is preoccupied by unjustified doubts concerning the loyalty or the fidelity of his friends and colleagues, more generally of those around him. - He is reluctant to confide in others because he fears that his confidence will be used against him. - He discerns hidden meanings, humiliating or threatening, in harmless events.

He is resentful, does not forgive being hurt, insulted or despised. - He imagines attacks against his person or his reputation, to which he will react with anger or retaliation. - He questions repeatedly and without justification the fidelity of his spouse. Moral harassment: Isolate someone, refuse all communication, not to give him instructions, to increase the bullying, not to give him a job or a humiliating job, on the contrary, to give him too much work or a job well above his skills etc ... The cases of harassment moral, hazing or mobbing, such are the tactics of moral harassment, which can be declined ad infinitum.

According to the most common definition “Moral harassment is a set of behaviors and practices characterized by the systematization, duration and repetition of attacks on the person or the personality, by all means relating to work, relations, its organization, its contents, its conditions, its tools, by diverting them from their finality, thus inflicting, consciously or unconsciously, intense suffering 2 Jean-Michel Fourcade - Limit personalities - (Eyrolles, 2001). Conference Mental manipulation 23/06/2011 at the SPA of air and water in Seyssinet-Pariset from 8 p.m. to 9:30 p.m.

Patricia Gros d'Aillon - Brief Therapy 61 Avenue de la République - 38170 Seyssinet-Pariset www.therapiepaillon.fr Tel: 06 65 53 15 57 - 04 76 21 76 14- mail: patriciagrosdaillon@yahoo.fr SIRET: 51471404700016 - APE 8690 F 5 in order to harm, eliminate, or even destroy. It can be exercised between hierarchies and subordinates, in a descending or ascending manner, but also between colleagues, in a lateral manner ”.

II - How do we know that we are being manipulated? The manipulator avoids the gaze of others and is often agitated. If you are feeling anxious, stressed, disoriented, or drained of your energy, there may be a manipulator close to you. Excessive stress, a diffuse feeling of tightness, fatigue, nervousness and trouble sleeping are the first signs to appear. If you are dealing with a particularly harmful manipulator, these symptoms can be reinforced to give way to depression: weight loss, hypertension surges, discomfort and memory problems in particular.

When we are manipulated, our decisions are very often taken reluctantly. Thus, if our self-image is somewhat flawed, the manipulator can more easily provoke in us doubt, guilt. It can also touch one of our fears, such as the fear of being judged. Indeed, no one likes to be reproached for being selfish, incompetent, ungrateful or inhuman, as well as being hurt, of not being loved or losing an advantage, losing affection, respect, a material advantage or even one's job.

In other people, the manipulator will hope for an emotional advantage, attention, recognition, status, even love or a material advantage such as professional advancement, the possibility of more easily reaching his goals, to get results, tangible rewards. The person who cannot tolerate the discomfort for a long time will react more quickly and will be easier to handle.

For example, she will give in more quickly to the blackmail of her screaming child rather than enduring his crying. To the person who sulks because they said something they didn't like, they will say that they didn't really mean it rather than endure the sulking. She will let herself be seduced by the person who uses her charms to disarm her anger rather than feeling odious for being angry. She will bow to the threat to avoid feeling fear or to buy peace. III - How does the manipulator proceed? First of all it is located in + / - (I am the strongest, you are a good for nothing).

Then he will try to take power by taking one of these four behaviors: - The intimidator - The indifferent - The plaintive - The interrogator Then he will place you as a victim or a persecutor and all this without you worrying about it. report. Jean-François Marmion imagines the mechanisms of manipulation "like a game of chess where a being as icy as superiorly intelligent advances his pawns one after the other and ends up losing his victim in sinuous labyrinths" 3. 3 Jean-François Marmion - Article p 45 in the review “Le cercle psy Lecture Mental manipulation 23/06/2011 at the air and water SPA in Seyssinet-Pariset from 8 pm to 9.30 pm Patricia Gros d'Aillon - Therapy Brief

He takes his victim by gentleness with the first innocuous acts that cannot be refused, then by defending oneself from wanting to infringe the least in the world on his freedom. He knows that when we remind someone that he is free, and he will submit more easily to our will. The manipulator uses three keys: doubt, fear and guilt. He acts gently without ever forcing his victim. He most often chooses his victims among people full of energy and love of life, to vampirize them and "devitalize" them. He preferably chooses honest, sincere, kind people, whom he really seeks to console and repair, but also naive, without too much critical thinking, even fragile, in order to bring them more easily and more quickly to accept a relationship. of dependency.

The manipulator often seeks a maternal, loving, devoted personality, because he needs to be loved, admired. He lives and feeds on the hope that the victim places, naively or desperately, in him or in something that he constantly dangles at him with spurious promises.

This hope, for the harassed victim, is to "cure" the stalker and it is this illusion that makes her stay in the relationship, and continue to suffer the attacks that destroy her without succeeding in "unhooking" her for all that ... The techniques that directly affect the unconscious.

1 - He observes you discreetly, imitating your gestures and postures in order to create the phenomenon of synchronization (same wavelength = more ease of absorption).

2 - It enters your thought system in order to find the loopholes by asking you specific questions. (Use of the yes set, the zoom effect, presuppositions, ambiguity, anecdotes and metaphors…). 3 - It destroys your protections and "stabs" you inside your mind (brainwashing).

Here is what you will be able to consciously see to activate your protection system from the start of his intrusion into your life: A - Seduction He begins by praising his victim. Promises him mountains and wonders. This gives, for example, from the first date: "you are the most beautiful woman I have ever met, we are going to get married, have children and we will be the happiest in the world".

According to him, you are the best person, the most gifted, the most cultivated… No one other than you matters to him (he does not hesitate to say the same thing successively to several people). These praises and protests of attachment allow him to better "sink"you then by playing on the effect of surprise, and to hit you especially since you did not expect the attack and he also took care to choose precisely when you could least expect it. His palette of personalities, characters, feigned emotions is astonishing.

The range of his acting is endless and constantly renewed. It affects the emotional area of ​​the brain. It can make you laugh, look at you deeply with passionate eyes, be considerate, considerate, fulfill your expectations, respond positively to all your desires. A hasty marriage proposal, a sudden promotion, a very attractive advertisement… What to put you on alert… “The whole art of the impostor is to know how to respond to a real expectation, it is for this reason that impostures, even the most incredible work ”. 4 4 Patrick Avrane, psychoanalyst - The impostors, deceiving his world, deceiving oneself

Very intuitive, he knows what the other is lacking, or his fragility that he will fill in at first. The manipulator uses masks, starting with that of perfection, which he uses to better maneuver his victims.

His eagerness is really linked to an urgency, that of "attaching yourself" to his service quickly. The manipulator presents a double face, both angel and demon. In the past, he is first and foremost an angel, a seducer, a flatterer, a protector or quite simply a kind. But once the hold acquired over the entourage, violence occurs.

They are real chameleons, able to mimic the attitudes and words of his interlocutor to arouse in him the illusion of a perfect harmony, of an exceptional understanding which never ceases to deepen. B - Destabilization The manipulator then uses devaluation. He feels superior to everyone and throws out treacherous little remarks with malicious ironic traits.

He turns the sentences to his advantage. It is often impossible to discuss with him, he laughs, does not answer in a precise way, tries to be the center of the conversation.

His attitude is contemptuous but it is not obvious. When he devalues ​​you without seeming to do so, you may feel uneasy, which you will be hard pressed to identify. And, tirelessly repeated, these small murderous phrases cause a catastrophic anchoring on the value of oneself. Your self-confidence can only be weakened. Another card in his game: the repetition of orders and counter-orders. Gradually destabilized, you risk no longer thinking for yourself, or even embracing its mode of operation, as if out of weariness.

He likes to end all discussion with some definitive sentence, using the principle of authority: “I'm sick! ", Or" You realize what you are asking me! »,« I cannot discuss with you for the moment, you see that I am taken ». He likes controversy. He is able to support one point of view one day and defend the opposite ideas the next, just to rebound the discussion or, on purpose, to shock. The manipulator takes pleasure in ambiguity.

By its paradoxical, double, obscure messages, it blocks communication and places its victim in the impossibility of providing appropriate answers, since she cannot understand the situation. It is exhausted in finding solutions which will by definition be unsuitable and rejected, for which it will arouse criticism and reproach. Completely confused, she will sink into anxiety or depression. C - Sow discord and isolate yourself The presence of a manipulator often leads to relational degradation within a team, family or friends. He wrongly accuses, it introduces suspicion. " Divide and rule ".

Its objective is to sow discord in order to isolate you. By prudence, he will divide and compartmentalize his relations, so that one cannot crosscheck his lies or that his victims do not risk allying against him. His technique, in this area, ends up being masterful.

The manipulator has the talent to defame without seeming to touch it, cautiously, giving the appearance of objectivity and the greatest seriousness, as if he was only reporting words that are not his own . Often he does not make a clear accusation, but is satisfied with veiled, insidious allusions. In the long run, he will succeed in sowing the seeds of doubt, without ever having uttered a sentence that could make him fall under a charge of defamation.

He will use the power of repetition and will not cease to sow doubt on honesty, on the intentions of the adversary he wants to bring down, leaning on the human tendency to believe "that there is no of smoke without fire ”. He often needs to hate in order to exist; this is one of the reasons why he is never satisfied.

Hatred can be a very powerful motor for his actions and behavior. Not being able to obtain and jealous of the plenitude or the happiness that he observes in the other, he comes to hate and destroy what he loves and seeks intensely. Being incapable of loving, he tries, out of cynicism, to destroy the simplicity of all natural and healthy relationships.

Be attentive to the emergence of open conflicts or secret resentments from those around you, concomitant with the arrival of a possible manipulator in your intimate circle. D - Make you feel guilty The manipulator then tries to make you feel guilty. "What do you mean you didn't have time?" And you don't think about the children? "Or" I feel alone, you never come to see me, your sister, she comes twice a week ".

He makes use of others, of family ties, of friendship, of love or of professional conscience. You may find yourself rendering services that are ultimately going to cost you dearly. Know that you will never give satisfaction to a manipulator. He knows better than anyone that most human beings need to be loved, so he plays it until you are exhausted.

To accept and assert himself, the manipulator must triumph over someone else, destroy him, then enjoying his suffering. This perception, of what he believes he does not have, is subjective, it can even be delusional. This feeling of inferiority vis-à-vis the envied and hated person drives him to seek to possess what is coveted.

To bridge the gap that separates him from the object of his lust, it suffices for him to humiliate and debase him. He strives to make his prey feel guilty. Not supporting, for a single moment, of being wrong, he refuses any criticism, any open and constructive discussion with his victim. He scorns her openly, not hesitating to denigrate her, to insult her, as much as possible without witnesses of course.

Otherwise he proceeds more subtly by allusions, just as destructive, but invisible to uninformed eyes. The victim gives a lot, but it is rarely enough. Never being happy, he always takes the position of a victim of a frustration for which he blames his own victim.

He devours his victim by convincing himself that it is she who seeks enslavement. He refuses to see or acknowledge the difficulties he creates in the relationship, as this would lead him to a negative perception of his own image. He throws the responsibility on his partner as long as the latter shows benevolence or applies to play a restorative role.

But if the latter refuses to accept the imaginary wrongs unfairly attributed to him, he is immediately accused of being hostile and rejecting. He does not measure by the same yardstick his behavior, always irreproachable according to him, and that of others, always at fault.

He never sees the disproportion between the little he "gives" and what he receives. It is always the other, and never him, who shows ingratitude and meanness. And then when his victim is finished, or if she no longer has the capacity to suffer, he throws her away and goes to find another one. IV - How to overcome the traps of the manipulators?

To know if you are being played on, try to detect the interests and intentions of each. "What is your intention when you tell me that?" ". Build your self-esteem by valuing yourself, even on small harmless acts and keep your alarm system on preciously thanks to your intuition.

Become aware of your own needs and desires and develop your critical mind. Be aware of the normal influence and the pathological influence of exaggerated and dangerous addiction. Also, beware of your own selection of information, as sometimes we only see what we want to see of a person. Do not easily trust a person who promises you to take down the moon, because for the manipulator, it is the door that opens.

In the eyes of the people: "kindness equals weakness". In other words, by being overly sympathetic, we implicitly invite potential manipulators. The need to be appreciated prevents the victim from saying no and setting limits. To avoid any risk of manipulation in a professional context, keep a distance, adopt a strict, reserved demeanor, a cold, adult and professional attitude, while remaining kind of course.

Avoid cronyism and especially outside of work. Obviously, such behavior is not always easy in companies where familiarity is immediate and where outings between colleagues are part of the ritual. The important thing is to know how to move the cursor according to the culture of the company and to keep a healthy distance between his work and his private life. Then, if a relationship escalates with a manipulator, it is necessary to take care to withdraw in order to leave the domain of the emotional.

Try to stay flawless, there is no point in playing smart with a manipulator. The important thing is to make sure you stay in the ranks because if he discovers a way to put pressure on you, he will not hesitate to use it. If you feel manipulated, do not accept any oral exchanges and keep as much written evidence as possible, emails for example. Know how to set your limits, without feeling guilty because the manipulator is an ace of guilt. "What do you mean, you don't want to spend the night in the office to complete an urgent case?" ". It is the survival of the company that is at stake, according to this skillful speaker. Yet, come to think of it, that's not quite true.

It is possible to find a compromise which remains consistent with your working hours and which allows the file to be completed on time. Let him know, firmly. Anyway, the option " these types of manipulators stop their actions when they are unmasked. On the other hand, if he is malicious, type 3, do not even try to make him understand that his actions bother you or upset you. He is perfectly aware of it and it does not bother him, quite the contrary.

Telling him about your moods will only make him more suspicious because he will feel detected. This will expose yourself to even more devious hostility. As for attacking it by playing on its own ground, it is a waste of time. It is he who sets the rules of the game and who violates them. You will not be the weight and it will be nice to make you look like the manipulator.

In this case,the best is to build a case. always in writing. The tasks incumbent on you must be set in black and white as well as your schedules. And if you decide to reveal to your professional entourage the actions of the manipulator in question, do so calmly and with these facts to support, at the risk of passing for an unbalanced person or a maker of stories, the thesis that it is s. would hasten to press.

Finally, if you do not have sufficient proof, that you do not feel the courage to oppose him, that you evolve in a rather hostile environment, that your mutation is impossible or that the character has too much power, courage: run away ! Manipulation can escalate into bullying, and too many victims wait until they are at their wit's end to give up their jobs. There is no post, salary or benefit that deserves to support it.

In the family context,it is slightly more complicated, because “cutting the bridges” is not always obvious, even if the best solution for your “backup”. So try to distance yourself and impose your decision. Then so that it doesn't happen again, you can develop beliefs that ensure good self-esteem.

For example:

• I trust my body, how I feel.

• Everyone has the right to make mistakes, too.

• I am not perfect and it does not matter because there is no such thing as perfection.

• I am valuable, no matter what. • I am able to learn, to influence.

• What I don't know I can learn.

• I can say no at any time, change my mind and express my true feelings.

• I will not die ... And then… • Avoid the company of those who make you feel less than you are, and who question your values.

• Stop looking for explanation and meaning for the behaviors of others who do not have it.

• Avoid hanging out with people who are more dysfunctional than you. • Trust your body, what it feels, your intuition.

• Allow yourself to say no at any time, to change your mind, and to express your true feelings.

• Never give beyond your capabilities.

• Do not give too much importance to the opinions of others and their criticisms. (It's the one who says who is!)

• Avoid hanging out with people who are more dysfunctional than you.

• Trust your body, what it feels, your intuition. •

Allow yourself to say no at any time, to change your mind, and to express your true feelings.

• Never give beyond your capabilities.

• Do not give too much importance to the opinions of others and their criticisms. (It's the one who says who is!)

• Avoid hanging out with people who are more dysfunctional than you. • Trust your body, what it feels,your intuition.

• Allow yourself to say no at any time, to change your mind, and to express your true feelings.

• Never give beyond your capabilities.

• Do not give too much importance to the opinions of others and their criticisms. (It's the one who says who is!)

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YEET MAGAZINE28 MAR 2021 • 3 MIN READ

Weight-based Teasing and Bullying : How I Lost 30 Pounds In One Year.

HEALTH & FITNESS

Weight-based Teasing and Bullying : How I Lost 30 Pounds In One Year.

What do you do when you are bullied for your weight right through your teenage years, not able to play your favourite sport and can’t fit into the dresses

  • YEET MAGAZINE
YEET MAGAZINE

YEET MAGAZINE19 NOV 2020 • 5 MIN READ